I was emailing Ben this morning and told him we have given ourselves a label as "The Mind Changers." Maybe it should be "The Can't Stick With One Decision People," or "Listen To The Right Choice The First Timers." Hopefully all this will make sense once you read on.
I have been having trouble with the decision to go back to school. The timing with everything is such a stumbling block. With a music major, the schedule is not very flexible. I have band every day of the week until 11:50, which was making it impossible to be home or pick up Carter when he is done with school.
I would also have to get my kids out of bed at 6:00 in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays because I have an 8:00 class that isn't offered at any other time. This schedule would continue in the Spring semester of next year also. I feel like that would not be benefiting them, and that would mean me getting up at 5:00!
There would also be the time issue when marching and pep band starts. It's a requirement of everyone in the band to participate in marching band and pep band. With Ben gone during the week that would mean more time someone else would be watching my kids. Everyone has been so nice to volunteer their time, I just hate to see it happening more and more for something that doesn't have to happen.
Not to mention the practice time needed to be done at the school. I would have an assigned room and time to practice and if I didn't get it done there, I would have to do it at home, which may or may not happen on any given day. I want my kids to see me enjoy going to school, not to NOT see me because I'm not there enough.
So I can't stop thinking that the decision to go to school, albeit a good one, is not the right one. I want to go so badly! It's something I've always wanted and I loved when I attended before we moved to Vancouver, but things have changed. Ben is gone, we now have three kids to look after, and the timing just seems all wrong. But I HATE changing my mind like this. I worry about what everyone else will think. I worry that everyone will be rolling their eyes in the back of their heads and saying, "Well, that's just Missy." It's really not. This is not something I've done by the seat of my pants! It's been given thought and consideration and personal revelation, the latter of which I really didn't want to listen to. Thank goodness for Ben and his listening spirit. He told me to let go of my "inner Willard" (sorry, Dad) and listen to the spirit. I was supposed to teach the lesson this upcoming Sunday, but it's on The Holy Ghost and Ben really wanted to teach it. I told him I would swap him for our last Sunday in this ward, without looking at what the lesson was. Want to know what it was? Try Recognizing Personal Revelation. No kidding. Look it up on the website.
I just wanted to share this with all of you because I want to know what all of you think about it. My mom and Tonia and Jeanne have all been so willing to help out with the boys while I was getting my schedule ready for next year. Thank you so much! It helps me to hear what others have to say, whether it's what I want to hear or not. Thanks for reading my saga.
6 comments:
That's a hard one trust me. Remember I went to school, whith one child and was pregnant with the second and still going. Granted I didn't have three at home and one in school and so on, but it was still hard to decide what was the best thing for me and my family.
I think that you have to do what you feel, and if that is not to go right now then, put it on hold and maybe focus on going later. Would it be possible to take one or two classes at a time or do you need to be going full-time? Another thought it may work better when all your kids are in school and gone during the day and then you wouldn't feel so bad about being gone during the day when they are home and missing you.
I thought that I would always go back and get my bachelors once my kids were all in school, to become a teacher. But I have changed and don't want to go to school ever again. I still want to be working in the schools, to have the same days off, holidays etc. but I don't have to have my teaching degree to do it. I have my associates and that is good enough to get a job with the school district doing just about anything.
So that is my two cents worth, for what it matters. I know that you will do the right thing for you and your family. Remember that the most important job, is what you are doing right now, being a mom.
that would be such a hard decision to make, either way. I understand the wanting to go to school and feel like you're accomplishing something, not to mention getting out and around other people more. But if its feeling wrong, you can look at it as....your kids will only be this big once. You can go to school anytime in the future, if its just when they're a little bit older or even when they're much older.
But I don't think those who are close to you would really judge you for following what you feel is right.
I'm interested in the Inner Willard theory. That I can relate to. In the picture on our blog of the family, Nic tells me I look like dad; then Benny, Mom's cousin talks to me on phone during Gromp's latest hospital tenure and tells me I sound "just like Willard" I'm sitting here thinking to myself am I really damned if I do, damned if I don't? And then when Nic gets upset with me, I find that she has two pet names for me: one which I won't mention on a family blog; but the other one is.... yep, you guessed it: WILLARD
What oh what is the Inner Willard. Is it something like a red-neck version of the Kennedy Curse?
As far as going back to school, well I'll interject my own two-cents worth. It's the concept in Taoism called Wu-wei. Essentially the best path in life is the easiest. Going to school is important, yes, but it's leveled when you weigh in the responsibility of parenting. I rue the days when I can't get my cameras out, or don't have the time to get into the dark room. It's because I have a three year old. Plain and simple. Today is the only day I have with Jude that is important. I plan for tomorrow with him, yes. But he needs me here with him in the moment. Now.
That's about all I have to say about that. You'll find other venues for music, I'm sure. But don't beat yourself up too much. You are the lucky one in the family: you have a very dull Inner Willard!
But... be prepared for Sunday's posting. Sunday here at our house is pancake Sunday. I've got my camera in the kitchen and I'll send photos to the pancake neophytes in the family!
Melissa - Thanks so much for your advice. This has been a long couple of days, as my mind hasn't been able to stop thinking about what to do. Your perspective was very helpful.
Tearese - You and Melissa said the same thing that really helped me. It is a hard decision, but I can't go against what I feel is right.
Gregg - You are one of those people who were really excited for me to go to school, and honestly one of the ones I didn't want to disappoint. Thank you so much for your support! I like what you said about the best path being the easiest, because I think I tend to think the other way around too often.
Pancake Sunday....there are words to describe what I wanted to say, but seeing as how those things are against my morals, I'll just say you're a punk, and there better be some pretty dang good pictures of your pancakes!!!
As far as the "inner Willard" goes, whether you believe it or not one of Ben's pet names for me is also Willard. I think it is an unfortunate genetic curse, only mine is accompanied by the "Runa Jr. Complex."
When I was in school I changed my major a million times. Every time I did, I felt like a flighty ditz who couldn't make up her mind to save her life. I hated thinking of myself like that and hated telling people that I'd changed my mind once again because I couldn't stand thinking that they were thinking those things of me.
Looking back, I see how the progression of majors led me to the one I ended up choosing, Economics. I loved Economics and I especially loved the people I met in this major. Had I stuck with my original plans, I would have missed out on a lot of opportunities and a lot of people.
So, don't beat yourself up about this. In fact, you should be proud of yourself for recognizing that something wasn't jiving and for making a decision you didn't want to make. And, like others have said, school will be there when the timing is better.
I am bummed about one thing, though. Just this morning I was thinking it would be great if I could talk you into taking French so I could practice speaking it with you. Sigh. Oh well. :)
Julie - Thanks for your comments. And hey, we can still speak in French. I can count to ten....oh, wait, that's all I remember! Even though I was leaning towards German.... ;)
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