It's truly amazing what the mind can do. One simply has to tell oneself certain things for so long, and one begins to believe those things are true. Unfortunately, I think I have done that very thing, but not in a positive way. I've told myself negative or pessimistic things about myself, and have believed them for a very long time.
I've been thinking for sometime about the subject in which I would like to major. Back in February, when I was accepted to the music program at SUU, I thought about this other certain major, but pushed it to the back of my mind. Practically shoved it out the door. I said to myself, "Are you nuts?! You could never do that. You have no idea what you're doing!" In hindsight, I realize now why my music major didn't come together as nicely as I would have liked. It's because I wasn't supposed to major in music. I am supposed to major in something else. (Thanks, Ben.)
I don't mean to keep what the subject is from you all on purpose. It's more that I'm scared I'll be swayed by the things people say. Even if they mean well. That is a serious character flaw of mine - I've never been good at standing my ground, especially when people around me are making excellent points to get me to stand somewhere else.
Ben and I have talked thoroughly over the subject in question. Back in February I never told him what I was thinking. I don't know why. He would never make me feel unable to accomplish something I set my mind to. I just didn't think I could accomplish it. As ridiculously scary and anxiety-provoking as it seems, it still feels right to pursue this major. It's not something I ever thought I would do, and that scares me. But, I bring something different to the table with this subject. I assume (yes, yes, I know what that can do) most students who pursue this major have quite a bit of experience and expertise in the field. I don't have the experience and expertise like many others. However, I sure know what it's like to think I can't do it, only to find out that if I apply myself, I can do it. And do it well. It's just going to take a lot of hard work.
4 comments:
Oh, you know you can do whatever it is! Hey, you were in the top reading group with me throughout elementary school...that makes you pretty intelligent in my book!
That being said, I know how you feel. Several times I briefly considered changing my major, because I think the only reason I majored in art is because everyone expected me to, and I already knew I was pretty good at it. The thing is, I also knew I didn't want any of hte art jobs I knew about, including selling art in a gallery or anything requiring self-marketing.
But I didn't feel confident enough to go into any other field. I would make myself feel better by taking a 300 or 400 level course in other subjects (even though only majors were supposed to be allowed) just to prove to myself that I could do just as well (if not better) than the majors in those fields. Then I'd go back to my boring art classes. Oh well.
Anyway...back to you....go for it!
I think you can do anything and be good at it.
I second what Tearese and Cardine said - you'll do great at whatever it is! I understand your hesitation, sometimes you just need awhile to work things out for yourself, to feel comfortable about something. Of course, I'm madly curious and have a couple guesses as to what the major is. Odds are that I'm wrong, but it's fun to guess!
I'm so glad that you have such a great guy in your life. Ben is AWESOME!
Tearese - I'd like to think I can do what it is, but I'm still unsure. I have to try it out, at least. And I feel the same way about not doing other majors that people expect of me. It's just not what I want to do.
Cardine - Thanks! I hope what you said holds true.
Julie - Thanks for the support. I'm still freaked out, but I try to remember that's the reason we don't start out with 3000 and 4000 level classes - I have to learn along the way. I feel blessed to have Ben in my life, and occasionally guilty when I take him for granted.
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